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Oct. 31st, 2010 | 01:08 pm

 Dear Boyfriend,

I am absolutely batshit insane about you. When I am near you, everything else seems to melt away and I'm happy for once. I'm not familiar with happy love, In the past I have always associated it with pain.
When you're not around, I am constantly having delusions about you being angry or upset with me. Delusions where you judge me and put me down and it puts me in a place of despair and self-loathing. My brain does this because of my condition, because it is all I have ever known, and it is how I have been treated by people I have admired in the past. I know what is going through my head is false, that my mind is playing tricks on me. I am just not familiar with any of this. I just need time, and reassurance. In the meantime, my mind is screwing me over when I'm alone and the voices just don't shut up.
I am worried that these delusions will encompass me completely, and that I will lose you by trying to fix problems that do not exist. I'm already incredibly insecure about these non-existent problems, the risk of losing you because of something made up inside my own head is earth-shattering.
I don't even know what to ask for. I really don't want to hurt you. Normally I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings because I am used to going out of my way to keep others as well as myself from getting hurt, which has turned me into a bit of a hermit, appearing emotionless to people who want to get close to me. I don't want you to get hurt and I feel like I can't control this because I can't control my own mind and falling in love with you has taken me out of the comfort zone I've built up over the years.


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